It happened so fast. In one moment, I was there my heroes. In the next, confetti fell from the ceiling as one man convulsed on the floor from coffee burns. How did I get here? I asked myself that question everyday for the last week. The answer was that I was foolish enough to think that I would make a difference. Of all people, these two men taught me that I could make a difference in the world. My difference was to bring them together, to reunite my heroes. Instead, I debated with them over cinnamon sprinkles.
After a very unsuccessful attempt to mediate between Warrior and Hulk Hogan last week, I set out this week to make do things the right way this time. With my assistant now gone I needed to pick up the pace and get things together. Instead of meeting, in an effort to avoid sprinkles and coffee spills, the agreement was made to do a video conference. At the request of both men, I am not showing the video for fear that it might misrepresent them in some capacity. I was, however, able to get the transcription of the conference like last week. With Warrior releasing a nearly hour-long video ripping Hogan to shreds earlier today, I was anxious to peel back the onion and get further to the root of the problems between Hulk and Warrior. What I found was that the more you peel back the more it stinks…What you are about to read is my final mediation between Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan.
The conference beings as both men call in at the requested time. Warrior is in a revealing shirt, a little too revealing. He also shows no signs of any of the burns from last week. I have been told it is because the Warrior from last week died and that the one I was talking to this week was a new Warrior. I highly doubt that, but you never know. I figured I had enough questions the way it was. Hogan was wearing a black rag on his head, a fanny pack…and nothing else.
Mediator: Thank you both for coming together again with me today. Hulk, could I please ask that you cover up?
Hogan: Sure, brother.
Hulk proceeds to put a pair of socks on his feet.
Hogan: How is that?
Mediator: Not what I had in…never mind. Okay let’s get down to it: Warrior, you released a very long video today in which you criticized Hogan for the man he is. Can we get to the bottom of this problem between you and Hulk?
Warrior. I will not acknowledge this piece of garbage by Hulk Hogan. His name is Terry, and that is how I will address him
Hogan: Okay then, Warrior. I will call you by your real name…Warrior.
Mediator: Great! Something to agree on. I think we are making progress.
Hogan: Did you know that Warrior once kicked a puppy?
Mediator: Why is that being brought up? When did this happen?
Warrior: It didn’t happen. Terry knows that.
Hogan: Don’t talk to me like you know me, brother.
Warrior: I know you, Terry. I know you and you know that I know you. I know that you know that I know you. And you know that I know that you know that I know the real you, Terry.
Hogan: That’s not true, brother.
Mediator: Guys, enough. Hulk, you seem to have insecurity about Warrior. Warrior, you obviously have some pent up hostility towards Hulk over some things you never confronted him on. Let’s talk about those instances.
Warrior: Like Terry offering up his wife to me.
Hogan: That never happened.
Warrior: She was right there standing next to you when you asked if I wanted to sleep with her. Should we have her call in and we can ask her?
Hogan: It wasn’t her! It was Van Hammer. He just looks a lot like Linda.
Mediator: So this was all just a misunderstanding. Wait, Van Hammer is gay?
Mediator: Then why would you ask Warrior if he wanted to spend the night with him?
Hogan: I enjoy making people happy. Did you know that Warrior used to tell people he invented the funnel?
Warrior: You are such a liar, Terry. You are an awful person and every bit a piece of trash as those sunglasses you buy.
Hogan: I can’t believe any of these words. This is coming from a guy who claims he beat me at WrestleMania VI.
Mediator: He did beat you at WrestleMania VI.
Hogan: That was a work.
Mediator: Of course it was. It is all a work. Even the men you act as in reality are just characters you played on television.
Warrior: That’s exactly the point. Hogan, you can’t get out of your gimmick.
Warrior says this as he stands in his den in front of a giant shelf of Warrior memorabilia.
Mediator: I think that is the case with both of you.
Hogan: Warrior, brother, your gimmick is no more real than my hair.
Warrior: If you look under the flap of your extensions, Terry, you will find a steer because you have no balls.
Mediator: Warrior! That’s enough.
Warrior: You’re just like all the others who spread negativity: Arnold, Tiger, Mel, and Eyeore.
Warrior: From Winnie the Pooh.
Mediator: Enough about Winnie the Pooh. Enough about each other’s wives, hair, characters. What is it that really is the problem between the two of you? Is it competition? That’s what it seems like to me. It seems like you, Hulk, were paranoid about Vince McMahon wanting to go with Warrior instead of you. It didn’t work the way he thought it would and now you spend all your time pointing out what a big mistake it was. Let me tell you something, brothers. Your match at WrestleMania VI was one of the best matches I ever saw. Your match at Halloween Havoc in 1998 has to be one of the worst matches I ever saw. You are both good and bad in your own ways. Why can we not just accept that and come to terms with the fact that you guys are not perfect.
Hogan: Not perfect? Let me tell you something, brother.
At this point Hulk stands up. His fanny pack falls to the floor, giving Warrior and I a full view of himself. Warrior begins laughing.
Warrior: Look at you!
Mediator: Let’s not.
Hogan: I have been up and down that road brother! I headlined the first WrestleMania with Mr. T, jack. When I slammed Andre, my spinal cord popped out of my body. I had to put it back in just to finish the match! Despite all of that I am still to this day a team player. I lost to Billy Kidman, man. Do you know what that’s like?
At this point I cut Hogan off the call. It is now just Warrior and I, which makes me very uncomfortable. He stares at me through his webcam, not saying a word. Before anything can be said I end the call completely.
So what now? I failed. I couldn’t get them to come to any kind of peace. I suppose the Twitter wars will continue, as will the videos. Warrior claims he is ready to shoulder the weapon and pull the trigger that will shoot a silver bullet into Hulkamania. Who knows what that means? As for me, I am done as a mediator. No more. Trying to mediate between professional wrestlers will only get me killed.
Note: This is a parody column. Please do not take this as an actual conversation that took place.